Hi, everyone!... Marko here ... and that's my story

Hi everyone!

I'm 33 and I'm adult children of alcoholic. I had a horrible childhood and life up until around 25 years of age. Now I'm happy, I love life and every single day!

Still have some issues, but I'm somewhat optimistic about my future. I believe now firmly I ALWAYS DO MY BEST. I have no regrets whatsover about my past actions and decisions, because I know I ALWAYS DID MY BEST. I'm almost out of Anxiety now, but let me tell about my life and my struggles a bit...

Ever since I remember my father was drunk practically every day. He would yell, rage, bash the apartment, occasionally beat mum... I was scared and nervous since then. Mum was/still is codependent so she wouldn't leave that ba-stard. Everything was so chaotic and unpredictable at home. We never knew when father would come home. When he did, yelling and fighting with mum would start. I was afraid of father (on several occasions he threatened us with long butcher knife or hand axe he would kill us as pigs; it was deeply ingrained in my mind as an 3-4year old boy) and I saw mum in only these 3 states: yelling at father, crying and sleeping. She was constantly desperate and pessimistic. Emotionally she wouldn't care for me or my brother. She was cold, she didn't show any affection towards me. She never touched us, hugged us or said she loved us... I was practically alone in our house. I had noone to confide my problems to. Since we lived in apartment building, and u know how thin walls are there sometimes, I was very ashamed. I mean, everyone could hear the screaming at 2 am... and the next morning she would sent me sleep deprived all nervous little boy to go out and go to do shopping for groceries... man I was ashamed. As I saw neighbor, looking at me with weird look...and then that walk in front of the building. Awful feeling of everyone looking at me from those windows... There was also that time when I was 4 or 5 years old when my neighbor's father was killed by, guess who, my own drunk father. I still vividly remember all the kids from the block bullying me, showing me and screaming at me as if I killed my friend's father... It was just beyond me. It's not my fault I screamed in desperation, but they just wouldn't listen. Remembering that scene always brings tears...

Also at home I wasn't allowed to express anger (my brother had this luck he at least could beat me), I wasn't allowed to cry... in short I was forced to bury my feelings deep down. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm still a bit afraid of feelings today... And I was laughed at publicly on several times (till recently my body would start to switch to panic mode anytime I'd laugh with group of friends. Subconsciously I somehow felt as if people were mockingly laughing at me and not at the joke itself; as of today I almost cleared that issue)

And if all that wasn't enough, as a child and kid I was very beautiful, and that so much I was stalked by girls ( to be precise, 4 of them). That was around me being 7 years old when probably the biggest defining moment in my life occurred.

One girl (I'm angry at her and call her bi-tch) was really stalking me hard. She just wouldn't let me be. She'd follow me everywhere. At first I was telling her nicely to go away, as she wouldn't listen I even used curses. Nothing. She was like robot closing on me anytime, anywhere. And on that time she got me cornered against dead end wall in that alley. I pushed her aside and screamed at her to let me be. I ran away. She also ran away, crying. She must have lied at home I was beating her or something... for the next day as I was on my way home back from school I got stopped by her brother (he was around 15 then and he was abnormally muscular) and, wouldn't you believe, my own brother (!). Then my own brother (he's 2 years older than me) grabbed me, holding me with my arms behind so I was all defenseless and vulnerable.... and that 15-year old muscle monster, lying girl's brother, was boxing me in the stomach.... It hurt as hell, and both bullies laughed. Yes, even my brother! I was wrongfully accused of beating that girl, and I was beaten for something I didn't do, and also by hands of my own brother! I felt like crap, worthless piece of shi-t. All in pain I went home. Of course father was drunk and I had noone to confide to. It was my own bed again. My safety nest. The next day social worker came to our home. I was sat behind the table with her and my mom and the worker would start talking about how boys shouldn't hit girls and such. I wasn't allowed to speak and tell them it was all big fat lie. As I tried to tell them that, they wouldn't let me talk! I was so angry. Even my own mother betrayed and abandoned me, just like my brother. I told my mum afterwards how I wasn't beating anyone but she wouldn't believe me! I felt like piece of garbage, worthless, abandoned, betrayed, ashamed ... and i couldn't express my anger either... and them crazy social workers put me in the same class at school with that liar girl.

That stalking incident made me turn into avoidant personality. I was very ashamed, couldn't look people into eyes, couldn't speak to them or even say hello. I started to avoid everyone, everything. Ironically, I felt most safe at home in my room. Despite of war on the other side of door. If it wasn't for school, which at that time I thought it was necessary (I have high moral standards and I tend to obey all the rules), I'd definitely become hikikomori. At school I had one or 2 vague friends, but nothing special. I was sleep-deprived nervous wreck all the time, always thinking whether mum would still be alive (and not stabbed or beaten to death ) as I get home. I was born quite intelligent also, so I had super grades, all As... and there was one teacher, where her son's grades were much below mine. As she was jealous and angry as how I was being able to have such good grades with such lousy family, she was mentally tormenting me. And I just wanted piece! I was silent as mouse. I didn't want to stand out. So I kept obedient, silent, obeyed the rules. I was like ghost. On several occasions I had my one school friend over at my place playing the original Nintendo. And my worst fears of father coming home early realized. The ******* was drunk and raging in front of my friend... I was so ashamed. That's why even today I don't invite noone to my place... Talking about ******* (he smashed and crashed 14 cars all of which were paid by my stupid mum), he shamed me on countless other times... When I was 8, my father left home to go with localy known "easy woman". He left us there. Mum was panicking and angry. The guy sold his mothers summer house and house, and drunk pigeon and whor-e pigeon together "burnt the money". I remember my mum sending me and my brother to summer vacation with them 2 pigeons. Now thinking back at that, I really don't know what the heck my mother was thinking (now u tell if that's not crazy woman?). Later she divorced, but soon drunk man was left with no money. He started to call an plead my mom on the phone to take him back. We had this old black rotary telephone with that distinct ring... Seeing mum yelling and screaming into the phone and that ring... I became afraid of phones (I was like without phone till I was 19 and even then I had panic attack anytime I was on the phone; with systematic approach to the issue I have solved the fears now, yet I still get nervous sometimes ). Crazy mum let him come back to our home and abuse continued. Certain women just want to be martyrs, I guess, not thinking about what's best for their children...

As I turned 14 I went to high school, which was in another town, way bigger than my home town. My anxiety was already strong by that time. Commuting train every morning was horrible. I felt so anxious! I was easy target for bullies. Yet I think I was bullied around 2 times only. By 2 drunk teenagers, hardly any older than me. I just felt so hopeless and afraid when in vicinity of angry drunk, violent people... I just froze like rabbit in the middle of the road seeing car spotlights... And the highschool town, I felt agoraphobia every single second. My Avoidant Personality was so strong. I was so afraid: what if I meet my school mate from primary school? What if i meet my neighbor? Will I be able to at least say one recognizable word such as "hi" without panic attack? I lived in constant fear. Even the first day of highschool was something I wish I could erase from my memory. There was the history class and the teacher looked the same as my drunk father. Plus if I translate his surname into English, it would mean Drinker! So, the guy wanted us to stand up and present ourselves infront of the class to him, so to state name and hobbies and such... And I had SAD. How the hell would i be able to do that? Presentations started from the front backwards and as I was sitting at the back, I got nervous and nervous by the second... As it was my turn i got flashback, I'm representing myself to my new classmates infront of my drunk father? I totally choked and got panic attack. Wasn't able to tell even a single word... I was so ashamed. And the looks of pity on classmates' eyes. So for the next four years I practically spoke to noone, I had no friend... When I had to talk with my mates, I would shake and I couldn't look them into eyes.